Slayer Hater

Get the truck outta here

2011-10-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

Slayer Hater exclusive:

A fan forwarded these emails to Slayer Hater asking us to post without contact information. It would appear that North Carolina is ahead of the curve in banning trucks on Deals Gap. Soon signs will be posted on the NC side telling of existing truck restrictions. NCDOT also plans to ask Tennessee to enact similar ordinances or in the very least post signage warning of NC's restrictions. This may be the beginning of some real progress on the truck problem:

From: Mark H
Sent: Friday, August 12, 2011 9:40 AM
To: Deitz, Sandy K
Subject: Signage reflecting recent truck restrictions on US129 and NC28

Sandy,

Who would I contact regarding signage along NC28 and US129 reflecting the current restrictions to through trucks with trailers over 30'? As you may know, a motorcyclist was killed by a north bound truck pulling a 48' spread axle flatbed trailer on US129 at the 5MM in Tennessee on August 3rd, 2011. Being that the truck was northbound, it violated NC law to get to the accident scene in Tennessee. Lack of signage may have contributed to this tragedy.

Any information on a contact about this matter would be appreciated. I am just a motorcyclist seeking to help stop trucks from wandering into that area as they are unable to safely negotiate that region and increased motorcycle traffic means a dangerous traffic mix. Laws that are already in place could reduce their numbers and prevent some future tragedies. My friend was run over by a truck that shouldn't even have been there.

Thanks very much for any help you can offer,

Mark H.

__________________________________________________

From: Deitz, Sandy K
Sent: Friday, August 12, 2011 11:19 AM
To: Mark H
Cc: Moore, Reuben E; Cook, Scott E
Subject: RE: Signage reflecting recent truck restrictions on US129 and NC28

Mark I am coping this request to Rueben Moore, Division Operation Manager and Scott Cook, Traffic Services Engineer. Both of these engineers can be reached at xxx-xxx-xxxxI think they
Will be able to answer your questions.
Sandy Deitz

________________________________

From: Moore, Reuben
To:Mark H

CC:
Subject: RE: Signage reflecting recent truck restrictions on US129 and NC28
Date: Fri, 12 Aug 2011 16:48:43 +0000

We will review the current signing and trucks restrictions and report back to you.

Reuben E. Moore, PE
Division Operations Engineer
NCDOT - Div. 14 - Sylva
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XXX_XXX_XXXX

______________________________

From: Mark H
Sent: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 7:03 AM
To: Moore, Reuben E
Subject: RE: Signage reflecting recent truck restrictions on US129 and NC28

Thanks very much, Reuben.

Mark H

______________________________________________

-----Original Message-----
From: Moore Reuben
Date: Wed, 24 Aug 2011 13:37:49
To: Mark H
Cc:
Subject: RE: Signage reflecting recent truck restrictions on US129 and NC28

The present signing only gives "warnings" to truckers of winding road conditions, but there are ordinances in place that apply to "thru" trucks only. DOT is not obligated to post signs of these restrictions, but truckers are responsible for knowing about them by accessing an online database. The current restriction would not apply to "local" truck trips, which is defined as a trip origin or destination within the restricted section of highway.

The traffic engineers that report to the State Traffic Engineer, in consultation with Division 14 engineers, have decided to recommend changing this ordinance to "No Trailers over 30 feet", and that this ordinance will have signs posted. Further, it will apply to all vehicles, regardless of whether the trip is local or through.

It is likely to take two to three months for the ordinance to be approved and for safety money to be appropriated for the fabrication and placement of the required signs.

If you would provide me with a postal mailing address, we can keep you further advised with an official response.

Thank you for sharing your highway safety concerns with us.

Reuben E. Moore, PE
Division Operations Engineer
NCDOT - Div. 14 - Sylva
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___________________________________

-----Original Message-----
From: Mark H
Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2011 3:14 PM
To: Moore, Reuben E
Subject: Re: Signage reflecting recent truck restrictions on US129 and NC28

Reuben,

Thank you for the reply and for the assistance.

If NC DOT isn't responsible for signs reflecting the current truck restrictions, who may I contact about their placement? There are signs reflecting similar restrictions to thru trucks on NC209 in Hot Springs which is Madison County. I understand there is no obligation to place signs warning truckers of restrictions, but it seems to me that such signs telling of restricted routes would be much more beneficial to the motoring public than the signs that are currently in place gently warning truckers of the mess they are getting into.

You are the experts, but changing the ordinance seems unnecessary as opposed to just indicating and enforcing the one already in place. Also, the existing thru truck restrictions include US129 from Topton, NC to the Swain County line. Are you proposing changing that ordinance to "nothing over 30' " as well? If so, Robinsville would be cut off from delivery which is not the objective.

The list of truck restrictions I am looking at may me wrong or you may have more up to date info so correct me if I'm wrong.

Again, thanks very much for taking this on. I do appreciate it.

Mark H

_________________________________

From:Moore, Reuben
To: Mark H.
CC:
Subject: RE: Signage reflecting recent truck restrictions on US129 and NC28
Date: Tue, 6 Sep 2011 13:29:17 +0000

Division 14 staff are in discussion with the State Traffic Engineering office to both review some of the ordinances that are in effect and to determine what, if any, should be the level of signing to place for truck restricted routes. The thinking has been that truckers are professionals who know they have a responsibility to know the rules under which they operate, and that signing that only applies to a minority of traffic should not be needed. This practice has been questioned on several truck restricted routes, and current discussion revolves around what conditions would justify the expense and need for signing for none, some, or all truck restricted routes.

I am not sure where you are talking about "US 129 from Topton, NC to the Swain County line." The only restriction I see on US 129 is in Swain County from the Cheoah Dam to the Tennessee State Line. Robbinsville can receive truck deliveries on US 129 via Topton and on NC 143/NC 28 via Stecoah/Almond.

Reuben E. Moore, PE
Division Operations Engineer
NCDOT - Div. 14 - Sylva
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(_)/ (_)

From: Mark H
Sent: Tuesday, September 06, 2011 12:09 PM
To: Moore, Reuben E
Cc: Cook, Scott E; Galloway, David D; Lacy, Kevin; Setzer, Joel B
Subject: RE: Signage reflecting recent truck restrictions on US129 and NC28

Reuben,

Thank you for your continuing attention to this matter. The family of the fallen rider and I do appreciate the effort.

I ride in western Swain and Graham counties almost weekly through the summer months. NC28 and US129 are roads I am quite familiar with. I was also an over the road truck driver for nine years. I stopped driving commercial vehicles in 2000. Since then, there have been many changes in the trucking industry. The most relevant change in the industry is the fact that companies are hiring many non-English speaking drivers. For the majority of truck drivers I have helped across US129, English is not their first language. Most of the others were led there by their GPS or the road looks to be passable in a trucker's atlas. I put my four-way flashers on and drive in front of the trucks to try and keep anyone from getting under one. I wasn't there early enough on the day of Ike's incident and I can't be there everyday.

Local drivers that know the region or seasoned mountain drivers aren't the issue. It's lost or mislead truckers who are likely inexperienced that pose a serious threat to the motoring public in general. Motorcyclists aren't the only affected road users in the area versus commercial vehicles. The presence of trucks is dangerous for everyone, including the trucker. I have attached a few photos of trucks on the worst part of US129. I have tons more and there are certainly many more past what I have.

One anecdote I feel illustrates this issue:
I was at the Deals Gap store the afternoon after Dwight "Ike" Woodard was killed and saw a THP stop a conventional tractor and 48' box van. This was on the NC side, mind you. Trooper Larry Skeen read the driver the riot act as he was the officer on the scene of Ike's accident. Trooper Skeen asked the driver why he came that way and if he'd seen the warning signs. In broken English, the trucker said, "Sign no say 'no.'" Trooper Skeen replied, "Well, you got me there." No one ended up under that particular truck.

The restriction on US129 from US74 to the Swain county line in Graham county prohibiting through trailers longer than 30' is outlined on page 5 of the NCDOT's list of statewide truck restrictions. It reads:
US129 | Graham County | No through truck tractors with trailers longer than 30 feet between US74(Topton, NC) and the Swain County line.

In addition:
US129 | Swain County | No through truck tractors with trailers longer than 30 feet, and no truck tractors with trailers longer than 48 feet, north of the Cheoah Dam between the Graham County line and the Tennessee state line.

The existing restrictions allow for deliveries locally, but if they were to be modified to include an all out truck ban, Robbinsville would have been affected as stated in your earlier email. I may have misunderstood you. If so, I apologize.

I don't really know how much signs cost, but I am certain I could raise the funds for any signs that are approved to go up. That is not an empty promise. That is a guarantee. If the state and/or Division 14 approved the signs, they'd be paid for. Just let me know. I could set up a memorial fund in "Ike's" name and that money would be there overnight. No BS, no question. Just give me a dollar amount.

Mark H

________________________________________________

From: Moore, Reuben
To: Mark H
CC:
Subject: RE: Signage reflecting recent truck restrictions on US129 and NC28
Date: Tue, 13 Sep 2011 12:50:04 +0000

Thank you for the pictures and other additional information. Your perspective, interests, and background give us a better understanding of the situation.

We are continuing to develop a project to place signs advising of the truck restrictions in Graham and Swain Counties on US 129. The sign copy will include the word “NO”, and will include the color red which indicates a prohibition, as well as black wording on white background to indicate that the message is a restriction, not just a warning.

I believe you have correctly quoted the existing truck restrictions, and I think I can explain them to you. “No through trucks” means that “local” trucks are not bound by the restriction. It means that a truck of the restricted description, in this case a tractor pulling a trailer over 30 feet can be on the restricted route, if its origin or destination is along the restricted route. However, “No trucks” means that even local trucks are not allowed on this route, in this case if they are pulling a trailer that is longer than 48 feet. This restriction was intended to make it illegal to drive STAA-dimensioned trucks (53’ trailers) north of the Cheoah Dam on US 129. None of this makes it illegal to drive a STAA truck from Topton to or through Robbinsville all the way to the Cheoah Dam; however, if it passed the Dam it would be illegal. It is not our intention to make this illegal, but we are considering making it illegal for trucks pulling trailers longer than 30 feet to travel beyond the Cheoah Dam on in to Tennessee.

Again, thank you for your information, and we will continue to keep you advised of our progress in having truck restriction signs placed.

Reuben E. Moore, PE
Division Operations Engineer
NCDOT - Div. 14 - Sylva
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From: Mark H
Sent: Wednesday, October 19, 2011 12:30 PM
To: Moore, Reuben E
Subject: RE: Signage reflecting recent truck restrictions on US129 and NC28

Reuben,

I know you said you would update me regarding the sign project and its progress, but I just wanted to touch base with you and ask if there might be any progress you can share. We are still seeing many trucks in that area and I had occasion to speak with one of the drivers before he made his way across. He was completely unaware it was a restricted route and said he'd followed his GPS designed for use in a passenger car. He spoke with a heavy accent, but his English wasn't terrible. I videoed our conversation. A local motorcyclist offered to take him through and I helped him slide his axles all the way forward.

The driver does curse his GPS in the video so it may not be "safe for work," but it does illustrate a point. He ended up pressing on into Tennessee with the helpful motorcyclist in front of him. Without an escort, who knows what would happen.

Thanks again for your help in the matter.

Mark H

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7snFfu5Cn20

_____________________________

Some progress. We have a funded project to post regulatory signs, and the ordinance has been changed to restrict any trucks pulling trailers 30 feet or longer from being on US 129 between the Cheoah Dam and the Tennessee State Line.

We still need to design the signs, determine where signs need to be placed, and place the signs. We also need to coordinate with TennDOT to let them know what we are doing and ask if they would reciprocate or at least post signs advising of our restriction. I have been advised that the ordinance has been changed on the website and is therefore already in effect.

Thank you for the video. I’m guessing Russian or Armenian.

Reuben E. Moore, PE
Division Operations Engineer
NCDOT - Div. 14 - Sylva
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(_)/ (_)

Cotton futures plummet as t-shirt makers eye new "natural fiber"

2011-10-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

The Dragon is cool....even when you're wearing wool! Slay on!

TDOT fires HOG and hires Jerry's Kids for ditch cleaning

2011-10-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

Tennessee, in a bold display of compassion and bravery, terminated their ditch cleaning contract with the Harley Owners Group. TDOT commissioner John Schroer said, "The HOGs just weren't getting the job done. We wanted more from our ditch cleaners. That's why we signed Jerry's Kids. Sure, they're retarded, but hey....the ditches are clean and a clean ditch for a Harley to ride in is what the Dragon is all about."

Spokesperson for the HOG, Richard Dumass, expressed disappointment in the decision stating, "Hey, we cleaned those ditches all the time. The only thing we didn't do that Jerry's Kids are doing is bring the ditch out of the ditch and put it in the road. We wish we thought of that! It takes a very special person to think of such brilliant things. If we'd have thought of putting the ditch in the road, it would have kept the Slayers out of the ditch. Ditch in road means Harley in road. Dammit that's genius, man!!!" Dumass added, "We won't stop cleaning the ditches, though. We can't stop cleaning the ditches. It's what we do."

Below: One of the Jerry's Kids stops a Carley Davidson at the entrance of a blind right-hand turn. The Jerrys Kids take up all warning signs at the end of the business day leaving only their negligence behind:

Below: "Mud Turn" now "Mud Rock Sand Gravel Dust Turn":

Tourer watch: 9-11-11

2011-09-15T16:41:00.000-07:00

This terrorist...er...tourerist hates America in front of God and country by buying a piece of American freedom, placing a symbol of American freedom on it and then dumping it on the filthy ground of the Dragon.

Let freedom ring....in your ears....long after the straight pipes are no longer audible.

Stolen BMW spotted slaying the Dargon

2011-09-06T18:27:00.000-07:00

This Slayer must've infiltrated the local coffee shop and learned the handshake just long enough to steal this Beemer and its owner's helmet.

Sometimes you just gotta slay 'er down to avoid crashin'.

2011-08-31T19:12:00.000-07:00

According to eye-witless accounts, a crawtchity rawket cut this slayer off and he had to slay'er down to avoid crashing. In typical slayer fashion, he checks for his missing skin before checking on his bitch that is still laying in the road. Lucky for him, she was wearing her back brace. She needed it for picking up that gigantic piece of shit out of the ditch...oh, and the bike was heavy, too.

Another satisfied customer!

2011-08-27T18:26:00.001-07:00

This hard ass is looking good in traffic with his Backwards Helmet! Get yours today!

Impotence drug manufacturers seek reason for sharp decline in sales

2011-08-23T19:26:00.000-07:00

According to a newly published study, men with chronic impotence are opting to purchase Harley Davidson motorcycles instead of treating their condition with drugs such as Viagra® or Cialis®.

The National Pharmaceutical Council conducted and published the study. At a news conference announcing the results of the study, NPC spokeswoman Sarah Witten commented, "We are mystified by this data set. Apparently the purchase of a Harley does nothing to improve the sexual function of study subjects. Their non-functioning, shriveled members are unresponsive to the throb and deafening roar of their underpowered v-twin. Either the data is lying or we totally don't get it".

Several Harley Davidson owners reached by Slayer Hater were able to shed some light on the subject. "When I sit in front of the bar revving that baby up, I feel like a man again. Okay, I still can't get it up but I'm sure everyone thinks I can," says Oscar Neuwirth of Akron, Ohio. "And the best part is I still don't have to sleep with my 'ol lady. She's kind of fat."

Colinda Neuwirth, wife of the retired dentist, agrees. "When he gets in those leather chaps and that studded vest and straddles that hog, it's almost like he's a man again. The best part, of course, is that I don't have to sleep with him. He's really fat".

Chuck Odel, a divorced landscaper from Pensacola, FL was equally forthcoming. "I took my Wide Glide up to that Dragon road they have in Tennessee. When I pulled in the parking lot at the store everyone hangs out in front of, everybody was looking at me. I was really turned on but nothing was stirring. You know, down there. I think I may need louder pipes."

Mr. Odel's ex-wife Nola said only that, "The last time that s.o.b got it up was watching the volleyball scene in Top Gun."

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2011-08-07T18:25:00.000-07:00

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Stop bitching, start sweating

2011-08-03T15:43:00.000-07:00

Escort that rig!

A Slayer by any other name is still a Slayer

2011-07-23T06:59:00.000-07:00

We reported last week that the circus was in town (it really never leaves until the leaves do). These daredevil (ass) clowns show us that you don't have to be on a Milwaukee Cow Pie to be a Slayer. "Skillz" like that don't go unrewarded at the Dragon. One of the Sideshow Bob's got a free trip down the mountain.

Wing Ding-a-ling Bros Circus comes to town!

2011-07-08T21:14:00.000-07:00

This weekend a whole clown car(bike) full of Slayers arrives with the Wing Ding-a-ling Brothers' Circus. Those in attendance will be thrilled with breathtaking acts of stupidity and superhuman feats of ignorance! A real spectacle awaits you at the Dragon. You won't believe your eyes! Clowns, freaks, bearded women, strong(and not so) men, gimps, sword swallowers (more bearded women?), fire eaters and all sorts of other side-show freaks will be on display in the guise of motorcycle enthusiasts.

The Two-headed Halfwit On the Car-bike is but one act you will see on your side of the road during the Wing Ding-a-ling Bros circus this weekend! It really is the lamest show on earth!

Helmet laws, schmelmet laws

2011-06-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

See anything wrong with this picture -- other than the fact that Harley-Davidson is still allowed to manufacture garbage heaps and call them motorcycles?

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Backwards helmet! Now available in all sizes! Now even YOU can be a supreme badass and look like a fool at the same time!

Maybe this is this guy's way of rebelling against helmet laws. We're guessing it's not.

Can Am-a-ramma-lamma-ding-dongs invade the mountains; convertable salesmen starve

2011-06-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

Can Am Spyder owners are a special breed and they are out in force in the mountains this weekend. One cannot look in any direction without seeing at least 7 middle-aged couples on the three-wheeled, geriatric interpretation of a "bike," many of the men of the house riding bitch.

As you all know, the Spyder holds the record time on the Dragon. Just ask any Can Am Factory Authorized Sales Associate.

Officials are looking into issuing permits for Slaying

2011-05-16T06:08:00.000-07:00

With the 2011 Slaying season nearly in full effect, officials in western North Carolina and eastern Tennessee are considering implementing a permit system.

Local residents of the area are more than familiar with the Slayers' disregard for safety and inability to "blend in." Slayers cite their "tourism dollars" as justification for their misbehavior. Officials think they may have a solution: the Asshole Permit.

Slayers that are "better than you" will be able to purchase an Asshole Permit from local merchants. The format of the permit is as yet unclear, but officials are leaning toward a t-shirt-and-sticker type permit. The permit won't condone being an asshole. It will merely serve as a warning to the motoring public.

Slayers donning their Asshole Permit are expected(but not required) to: swerve into oncoming traffic, drop their motorcycles at any moment, bitch about "crawtch rawkets," litter, ask about the "record time on Slayin' the Dragon," hold up even grandma on her way to church, gripe about the price of the Asshole Permit, rev their silly little-dick engine to "feel the power,"etc, etc, etc. The list of Slayers' asshole behavior is too exhaustive to list here.

Slayers we asked about the permitting responded favorably. One Slayer even said, "We just wanna be free to do as we please and shit all over the places we go. We spend our borrowed money there, we should be able to act like morons if we want to. I mean, hell. We DID pay way too much for a piece of crap Harley-Davidson. What makes you people think we're smart? I think you all expect way too much of us."

We think that pretty much sums it up.

Severe storms blow in severe Slaying

2011-04-27T06:57:00.000-07:00

Accu-weather.com reports this spring as one of the worst in years for severe weather. Almost weekly Deals Gap has been placed under tornado watches and severe t-storm warnings. Trees blown over into the road and flooding are the least of the problems for the area, however. The real problem is this:

Accu-weather's Rider Quality Index® has been falling steadily since 2002. Experts say it was at its worst last year and is expected to be even more disappointing this year. Accu-weather's Allan Einstein says there are many contributing factors to this phenomena; poorly designed motorcycles being marketed effectively as lifestyle, lack of talent coupled with lack of intelligence, large egos paired with small performance numbers and the most aggravating factor of all, gravity.

Deals Gap: 318 skidmarks in 11 miles

2011-04-21T04:47:00.000-07:00

With the coming of spring and the hatching of Slayers everywhere, we're seeing more and more Slayer Tracks. Once clean and unmarked pavement is now covered in locked rear wheel skids and tell-tale signs of 4-wheeled spin outs. Much like slugs, Slayers leave trails (heck, Slayers are a lot like slugs in many ways; unwanted, slimy, slow, etc).

Criss-cross Slayer tracks at Gravity Cavity:

We're sure this Slayer was "keeping it in his lane" up until this point. /scoff

Target-fixated Slayer track:

Pretty obvious where this Slayer was looking when he locked her down.

Lane-cross will make ya JUMP JUMP!

And the winner is....:

This bike had to be front wheel drive.

Celebrity lets cat out of bag about speed cameras on "The Dragon"

2011-04-03T20:22:00.000-07:00

April 1, 2011

In the calm before the coming enforcement storm, famed shutterbug Killboy broke the news about the multiple speed cameras along the 11 miles of the "Dragon" at Deals Gap. Authorities are gearing up for a busy season of revenuing and using remotely controlled speed cameras to do the Devil's work.

Visitors can plan on getting more than just t-shirts and stickers as souvenirs. Tennessee will mail them one for any infraction over 31 MPH in the now 30 MPH zone. Slayers on the other hand, have nothing to worry about as they are incapable of speeding and the cameras are not set up to ticket wild wobbling or simply-incompetent riding.

Slayer Hater would like to thank Killboy for the heads-up. ;)

AMA names 15 top motorcycling roads in America

2011-03-24T04:53:00.000-07:00

The AMA published what its members voted as the 15 top motorcycling roads in America last week. No one knows the best roads like an AMA member, right? AMA CEO Rob Dingman thinks so anyway.

"When it comes to the best places in the world to hold up traffic on antiquated motorcycles, our members are the most knowledgeable and most qualified people for the job. No one can weeble wobble at 10 MPH like our members," Dingman said.

"By publishing our favorite roads in American Motorcyclist Magazine, our members will seek out these roads and bring noise pollution and congestion to local communities who were just fine without them.

"In turn, AMA members will arrive at those destinations with an entitlement attitude and generally behave like assholes dressed as gay pirates. The AMA feels it is our duty to infest as many of the communities surrounding these roads as possible," Dingman said in his press release.

And infest they shall.

Rockslides in North Carolina threaten to block Slayers' route to the famed "Dragon"

2011-03-19T16:59:00.001-07:00

Slayer Hater learned Friday that the feared and reviled biker gang Sons of Attorneys have filed a lawsuit against the State of North Carolina and possibly against the Heavenly Father himself.

The suit alleges that state DOT crews have left the route that Slayers use fairly often to go to the "Dragon" blocked by debris from rockslides blocking their route. The Sons of Attorneys' gang leader said, "Our daddies didn't buy us $35,000 motorcycles to put us in danger. Those ditches need to be clear for when we have to lay 'er down to avoid crashing. In fact, all hazards to motorcyclists should be removed. Things like hard pavement, guardrails, rocks and trees...stuff like that. We ride to look good and our ElectraGlideSupremeAmeriCANBitchinCamaro Edition Harley looks best in the ditch."

The roadways remain clear. Non-slayers need not worry.

Slayer Lane Ends Sign:

Heavy rains, lack of salt blamed for coming infestation

2011-03-06T14:38:00.000-08:00

On the heels of some of the heaviest rains to hit the area in quite some time, scientists warn of an apocalyptic infestation not seen since the plagues of Egypt.

Heavy rains brought flash flooding to the area over the weekend and, scientists warn, washed away the beneficial salt that had been applied by TNDOT and NCDOT. "The salt had been keeping the pests away. With it washed away, there's nothing keeping them away. All is lost," lamented Chief Researcher, Benjamin Long.

Labeled "slayer slugs," the pest move very, very slowly and leave a slimy trail resembling oil behind them wherever they go. This would explain their absence in the past several months as everyone knows slugs don't like salt.

Officials expect record numbers of slayer slugs in the coming months and have no viable plans to ward them off.
Image caption: Scientists warn of coming infestation of so-called "slayer slugs"

Officials concerned over Slayer disappearance, calling for scientific community to make the condition permanent

2010-11-27T14:41:00.000-08:00

Officials in eastern Tennessee are concerned over the recent disappearance of "Dragon Slayers" in the Deals Gap area.

Tennessee Governor-elect Bill Haslam has asked well-known Monarch butterfly expert Dr. Karen Oberhauser to step in. Dr. Oberhauser is known the world over for studying the migratory habits of the Monarch butterfly, an insect unable to withstand cold climates that migrates to Mexico and Southern California every year.

"The 'Dragon Slayers' seem to behave much like the Monarchs. No one knows what tells them to come to Deals Gap in the summer and no one really knows for sure what reason they have for coming. We only know that they continue to arrive each summer and leave in the late fall with an arm full of t-shirts and stickers," Oberhauser said.

Oberhauser will "tag" around 50 'Slayers' with ankle bracelets typically used to track those on house arrest. Data gathered from the anklets will be used to study the migratory habits of the 'Slayers'.

"While capturing the 'Slayers,' we found some were already wearing the tracking anklets. We are attempting to contact the owners of those tracking anklets at this time. We are still in the stages of compiling data, but preliminary information would suggest the 'Slayers' won't stop coming as yet. We are developing ways to make this environment displeasing to ward them off but this will take quite some time."

"Dragon Slayers" are a non-native species and are considered by some to be invasive or a nuisance. Many non-native species have been brought to the area that have become nuisances; boar, Harmonia axyridis the asian lady beetle and kudzu among others. Like many of these, the introduction of "Dragon Slayers" was intended to help the area.

"A lot like the asian lady beetles, the 'Slayers' have swarmed the area and worn out their welcome," National Forest Service Deputy Chief Joel Holtrop said Friday. "The sound of their 'freedom' is about as peaceful and soothing as a punch in the throat and those that live in these infested areas have enjoyed the solace brought on by the 'Slayer' disappearance."

Dr. Oberhauser says it seems to happen around this time each year. "'Slayers' are not 'core enough to weather the cold winter days at the 'Dragon.' Native species enjoy unclogged access to the road and a general lack of residual stupidity as a result."

"We just need to find a way to make it permanent," Haslam supposes.

Photo caption: Slayers' migration in the summer of 2010. Officials/scientists seek to stop the swarm.

Tennessee to instate "Real Feel" Slaying index; beta testing underway

2010-11-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

In light of recent "slaying" congestion at Deals Gap, TDOT has been developing a "Real Feel" index for the 318 bikes behind....er...uh....318 curves on the 11 miles of the "Dragon." The new indexing system will help competent motorists decide if they want to risk dehydration and hyperthermia riding Deals Gap behind droves of "Dragon Slayers."

"This new index is a lot like the 'heat index' meteorologists have been using for years," says TDOT engineer Larry Sellers. "Several factors go into the 'Real Feel' index. We need to know the impact that the 'Slayers' are having on the road and communicate it to the rest of the public."

Mr. Sellers says the index is based on: day of week and whether it is a weekend or holiday; time of day; outside air temperature; weather forecast; likelihood of poker runs, rallies, exposed breasts or card games; tee-shirts sales; beer sales; Beginners MSF course graduates for the current year; sales of 900+ lb motorcycles to women weighing less than 125 lbs for fiscal year; lodging/camping vacancies; number of photographers on duty; among others.

All of these factors plus real-time "slayer" monitoring will be plugged into the complicated formula and the result will then be transmitted by microwave to signs on either end of the "Dragon." TDOT hopes to expose the "slaying" issue with an information campaign.

We feel it's a start.

Photo caption: On an unusually light day, the "Slayer Real Feel Index" is exceptionally low. Officials warn public to not expect the index to remain this low.

Dragon Slayers uncover the basis of their religion; scholars mock mercilessly

2010-11-04T13:35:00.000-07:00

Thou shalt not put function before form. Chrome shall be polished and very heavy.

Thou shalt not alloweth faster traffic to pass.

Thou shalt not maintain a reasonable speed when being followed by more capable riders.

Thou shalt not slay the Dragon with speed nor skill.

Thou shalt slayeth the Dragon with frustration and over-heating sportbike engines.

Thou shalt not maintain a predictable line.

Thou shalt wobble!

Thou shalt not maintain thy own lane, for it is an abomination.

Thou shalt not leave the Dragon without thy t-shirt and sticker.

Thou shalt not tap thy helmet to warn of law enforcement presence.

Thou shalt not have a working transmission for more than 5,000 miles, it is displeasing to "Dragon Slayers."

Thou shalt maketh more noise than a tribe of 16 year old maidens at a sleepover.

Thou shalt not keepeth thy pipes baffled.

Thou shalt drop your bike in the parking lot. Woe unto thee that do not droppeth their bike.

Thou shalt not bathe before slaying the Dragon. Dragon Slayers are to be unclean.

Thou shalt not leave the t-shirt shop unless thou weareth thy newly purchased Dragon Slayer t-shirt. There art photographers!

Thou shalt remember the Saturday and keep it crowded.

Thou shalt not take the name of the bike thy idol in vain. Harley-Davidson is a jealous marketing department and becometh angry when its stock tradeth low.

Thou shalt honor thy wife and dress her like a hootchie mama, no matter her age.

Thou shalt not use cash. Your dealer hath provided you with a Harley-Davidson credit card. Thou shalt useth it!

Thou shalt cover thy professional haircut with a do-rag that is pleasing to Slayers. It is to remideth a Slayer there is a photographer at every turn and thou must looketh badass.

Thou shalt remove thy do-rag when thou returneth to thy white-collar job on Monday.

Thou shalt speak loud of how hard thou slayeth the Dragon in conversation, but knoweth in thy heart thou slayeth not shite.

Authorities investigate dangerous biker gang in NC/TN

2010-11-01T06:25:00.000-07:00

The SBI in North Carolina are very concerned about a dangerous new outlaw biker gang operating in the mountains of western North Carolina and eastern Tennessee. As part of a summer-long investigation, they infiltrated the gang known as The Sons of Attorneys with one of their agents. The agent barely escaped with his net worth intact as once his cover was blown, the highly agitated motorcycle club has threatened to have "[their] daddy sue you into oblivion!"

Investigators said Monday in a press conference, "Stay as far away from these clowns as possible. They are the product of the aging Baby Boomer generation and they will drag you up and down the sidewalk in court. You may not live to see your 401K."

Slayer Hater spoke to one of the Sons of Attorneys' victims we found living in his van down by the Tennessee River. He had this to say, "I was riding the Dargon, minding my own business and I came up on a 25-bike wobble train traveling at around 10 MPH. I didn't know what to do. My bike started over-heating and I was getting dizzy in my helmet. I knew at that moment that I had to get around these guys. I passed them 2 or 3 at a time until I got to the front of the pack waving 'thanks' after each pass. I made it to the end and parked my bike and suddenly I found myself surrounded by them! It was horrible! They had menacing law degrees from Harvard and one even said he was a dentist! All I could think about was wage garnishments and how I might not ever see my paycheck again! Hang on a second...I'm getting too emotional." This victim was unable to go on with his account of the incident as it was still too painful (and still in litigation).

The Sons of Attorneys are operating on and around the Dargon, a great piece of motorcycling road in the mountains of the Great Smokeys. They have chapters in every town in the US and are considered to be extremely dangerous. Authorities caution against making contact with them, but if you do, they advise you consider them armed and litigious and to contact your lawyer immediately.

Paralyzed Chicago man sues Harley-Davidson for being just that, Harley-Davidson; public out-cry, "what did you expect?"

2010-10-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

Crippled and likely broke (he did buy a Harley), a former Chicago firefighter is taking on Harley-Davidson. Jim McMahon broke down twice today, but that's not why he's suing the Milwaukee motorcycle manufacturer.

McMahon lost the use of his legs and a bunch of other stuff due to the wild weaving and wobbling fit his 2004 Screamin' Eagle Electraglide Super Freedom America, Fuck YEA! Edition Harley-Davidson went into while he was riding in Arizona in March of 2004. According to his attorney Scott Hooper, McMahon "accelerated to the front of the group to alert them as to how bitchin' his new pipes were. When he did so, he surpassed the 45 MPH rated speed limit of his super-duper chick-magnet geriatric dildo and went into the dreaded Harley-Davidson wicked-wobble." Mr. Hooper went on to say that McMahon was "unconscious and without a pulse" when he purchased his Harley on New Years Eve 2003.

Harley-Davidson, represented by attorney Mark Kircher, says McMahon was at fault stating, "If everyone who weaved and wobbled on a Harley-Davidson sued us, we'd be pretty damn busy in court. McMahon wasn't holding on loosely but not letting go. Because if you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control." And lose control he did.

Scott Hooper, McMahon's attorney, plans to set up an office within the CROT to help "Dragon Slayers" sue Harley-Davidson for making motorcycles that cannot be held up by mere mortals in the parking lot.

The CROT could not be reached for comment.

Slayer Hater proudly welcomes our first real sponsor

2010-10-09T19:38:00.000-07:00

We here at Slayer Hater HQ are proud to announce our first sponsor: Helmet Tap.

Helmet Tap can save you lots of money on your car insurance! Not only can Helmet Tap save you lots of money on your car insurance, Helmet Tap wards off lawyer fees and court costs! Yes, Helmet Tap is a great gift for your fellow "brothers" and everyone can use one! What's that you say? "If you aren't breaking the law, you don't need Helmet Tap?" Let's hear you say that when Arnold's new legislation sweeps the rest of the "land of the free." Oh wait, we won't be able to hear you say it over your life saving pipes.

Use Helmet Tap liberally when you meet another motorcycle soon after you've seen a member of the law enforcement community, but don't use Helmet Tap too far away from the affected area. Use Helmet Tap with confidence that it is the highest quality warning device available to motorcyclists today. By far the most effective early warning device available, Helmet Tap will make you the envy of the non-motorcycling public.

Try Helmet Tap today! No really. Try it.

As leaf season approaches, officials in NC take a different approach

2010-10-04T09:37:00.001-07:00

With the shorter days and cooler temperatures of fall arriving, the North Carolina Department of Transportation's Safety and Emerging Issues Committee (SEI) has begun an information campaign aimed at would-be "Dragon Slayers" on NC28 that never make it to US129. New signage designed to speak to "Slayers" is being implemented en masse along the 20 mile stretch of NC28 from the NC143/NC28 junction to the US129/NC28 junction a stretch dubbed the "Hellbender" by some t-shirt peddlers and the "Moonshiner" by others.

"The new signage is designed to reach even the densest segment of the public," Roberto Conales, Coordinator of Strategic Initiatives said. "Through studies of problem areas, people seem to misunderstand the gravity of gravity and the reality of reality. We hope the new signage will help," Canales continued. "If we can safely deliver the 'Dragon Slayers' to Tennessee, they won't be messing up our federal funding here in North Carolina. They become Tennessee's problem."

The signage was paid for with High Hazard Elimination Funds from the Federal Highway Administration.

Slayer Hater just wonders if they have done enough.

Utah man takes girlfriend's car out for "wings" and a spin, girlfriend/community pissed

2010-09-28T06:59:00.001-07:00

A Utah man should be in custody Friday for the copious amounts of "slaying" he did in his girlfriend's car. Not only did he "slay" the hell out of the "Dragon," he "slayed" good fashion sense.

His driving skills are obviously par for "Dragon Slaying;" left-of-center (heck, he's left of far left!), speeding and no doubt breaking traction for the 5 photographers on Deals Gap. He's not reckless, however, since he isn't dragging his knee.

The man borrowed his girlfriend's car telling her he was "going out for wings." He then took the car to the nearest PepBoys and installed that wing in the parking lot with borrowed tools. The wing provides all the down-force needed to maintain the inside line on a blind left-hand curve. It doesn't, however, provide enough camouflage to cover up how big of a douchebag one is being.

The local Deals Gap community is furious with this fast guy because they don't appreciate tourist dollars handed to them from great drivers like him. Oh wait, yes they do.

Turbo_jimbo, aka JimBo Conger, aka Jim Conger, aka James Conger D.O.B. 01/17/1984 is quite an accomplished driver. So is it any wonder he should take race lines at Deals Gap? Head on collisions in blind corners are only dangerous for those without bumpers. Utah should be proud.

"Dragon Slayers" just wannabe One Percenters....we've found a way

2010-09-26T10:45:00.000-07:00

As the wildly popular shirts say, there are "105 Paved Pull-Offs in 11 miles." Wait, what?

In the biker world, everyone respects and even fears the real one-percenters. Even the grandpa and grandma on the $25,000 full dresser HoverRou....er I mean Harley wish they'd been somewhere other than studying for their accounting exams back when the Hells Angels and Outlaws were in the middle of their turf wars. Cocaine is a helluva drug.

Now there's a way to become as bad ass and respected as the dirty outlaw bikers of the past when you come to "slay" that "Dragon" at Deals Gap:

Slay that pull off!

There are 105 of them in 11 miles! Slay just one pull off and you instantly become a 1[.05] percenter (just ignore the five hundredths, folks. Harley did when they designed your transmission). It'll make you the bane of all law-abiding, teeter-tottering, wildly-wobbling RUBs. By slaying that pull-off, you actually appear to know what you're doing. This exposes the weekend warrior Harley owners for the idiots they are. When you see faster traffic in your mirrors, once you finish panicking, just point that 900 pound behemoth into the nearest paved pull-off, allow them to pass and enjoy just how mean and scary you have just become.

Everyone fears the 1[.05] percenters.

Loophole in the law sends wheelie rates soaring

2010-09-22T10:02:00.000-07:00

Law enforcement officials are scrambling to find a way to close the "wheelie loophole" at Deals Gap. In 2007 lawmakers in Tennessee made "raising the front wheel of a motorcycle off the ground" into reckless driving. When they did it, they made a provision for those participating in a parade.

The statute reads:
55-10-205 - Reckless driving.

(a) Any person who drives any vehicle in willful or wanton disregard for the safety of persons or property commits reckless driving.

(b) A person commits an offense of reckless driving who drives a motorcycle with the front tire raised off the ground in willful and wanton disregard for the safety of persons or property on any public street, highway, alley, parking lot, or driveway, or on the premises of any shopping center, trailer park, apartment house complex, or any other premises that are generally frequented by the public at large; provided, that the offense of reckless driving for driving a motorcycle with the front tire raised off the ground shall not be applicable to persons riding in a parade, at a speed not to exceed thirty miles per hour (30 mph), if the person is eighteen (18) years of age or older.

(c) A violation of this section is a Class B misdemeanor.

[Acts 1955, ch. 329, § 57; T.C.A., § 59-858; Acts 1989, ch. 591, § 112; 2007, ch. 308, § 1.]

For obvious reasons, this makes wheelies at the "Dragon" legal eagle.

For examples of the many, many parades for one to ride in, one only need to turn to any of the photographers' websites and look at the myriad of riders lined up 20, even 30 bikes in a row traveling less than 30MPH with flag poles, stuffed animals, trick pets, topless girls (and guys), naked riders, waving, flipping off, "trapping," costumes and other stunts associated with parades.

One Tennessee lawmaker said, "Dear, God. What have we done?"
Mr. Legislator, you made the Gap fun again. That's all. And for that, we thank you.

Scientists make important discovery at "the Dragon"

2010-09-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

Until recently no one was able to gauge just how long it takes to slay the "Dragon" or just how much attention "Dragon Slayers" craved. It was known that it takes a really long time to "slay" the "Dragon" at Deals Gap and that "Slayers" were attention-starved to the point of donning silly looking pirate costumes and making their motorcycles as loud as possible.

Photographs obtained on Friday September 10, 2010 chronicle the answers to both questions in painful detail.

Anthropologist Dr. Vishnu Rampoop says, "This is a monumental discovery! Until now we only knew that it took what seemed like an eternity to get through the 11 miles of the "Dragon" behind a "Slayer." Now, we can see that it actually takes a lifetime and then some. Also, note the grown man on his motorcycle with the skeleton of his partner on his bike dressed as a pirate. We can see from this that a 'Slayer' will go to any length for attention, even to the point of making a complete fool of himself. There is no limit to what they will do and clearly they raise the bar daily."

Dr. Rampoop adds, "When this 'Slayer' entered the 'Dragon' at Tabcat bridge, his passenger was just a normally dressed middle-aged female 'Dragon Slayer.' We believe the attention the driver sought kept him from aging as badly as the passenger, but we're still studying this. His unfortunate passenger succumbed to aggravated frustration, severe annoyance and was possibly wobbled to death."

Burt Munro said, "You can live more in five minutes on a motorcycle than most people live in a lifetime, but this shite is ridiculous!" Apparently he'd followed some "Slayers" in his time.

A little something for the "Slayers"

2010-09-13T11:18:00.000-07:00

We here at Slayer Hater have been receiving a lot of flack for what some call dividing the riding community. We've decided to give something back and offer an olive branch. We've designed a little something for the Slayers out there. Get yours soon!

Frustration driving model citizens to criminal behavior

2010-09-08T08:57:00.000-07:00

The holiday weekend saw record numbers at the "Dragon." With these numbers came unprecedented lines of "Slayers" clogging up the highway. It was this intense "Dragon Slaying" that drove two young UT students to attempt to "borrow" a motorcycle from the CROT. They were likely model citizens until they got behind a 30-bike flotilla which, let's face it, would drive anyone to a life of crime.

The alleged "bike borrowers" said they just wanted to ride the motorcycle because they were 2 days and 4 hours late for class at UT since arriving at Deals Gap and didn't think they would be able to make it to Knoxville in their car. They hoped being on a motorcycle, they might get preferential treatment or at least a wave-by. Little did they know "Dragon Slayers" don't discriminate. No one gets around.

The magistrate for Swain County released the pair of brothers stating, "I have often wished I was on a motorcycle in hopes that I could get around those idiots. I can empathize."

Dragon Slayers held to higher standard with new "No Business" statute

2010-08-25T12:56:00.001-07:00

With the ratification of the "No Business" statute in full effect, "Dragon Slayers" must meet new, stricter standards to ride the 318 curves of Deals Gap. Apparently Slayers prior to the new statute were "about as sharp as a bowling ball" and authorities were able to make the connection between the mass murder of common sense and the general lack of intelligence of Slayers.

Investigators seek answers in killing at Deals Gap

2010-08-17T11:27:00.000-07:00

Authorities in both Tennessee and North Carolina are investigating a mass murder in the Deals Gap area. One official was quoted as saying, "It's like nothing I've ever seen. The scale of this killing is monumental." The official became very emotional after that.

Detective Dick Tator with the North Carolina SBI said, "The only thing being 'slain' at the 'Dragon' anymore is common sense. We will find the perpetrators and we will bring them to justice."

Common sense was native to the area at one time and now, authorities say, it's nearing extinction.

"With the influx of self-proclaimed 'Dragon Slayers' in the area, common sense has all but completely disappeared. We believe there to be a real connection there," Detective Tator said.

Investigators have many leads and are forced to follow them all at around 15 MPH.

Tennessee and North Carolina to enact "No Business" statute

2010-08-02T08:23:00.000-07:00

Legislators in North Carolina and Tennessee are taking a step in the right direction against the rising numbers of "Slayers" at Deals Gap. After the results of the NHTSA's study were released last month, lawmakers rushed to action to enact a bill that is now called the Ain't Got No Business Act of 2010.

Under the new law, people that "ain't got no business" being on "The Dragon" can be fined or imprisoned. It's fairly easy to pick offenders of this new law out at Deals Gap and you don't have to have a doctorate in business to know when someone "ain't got no business" being on "The Dragon."

Law enforcement in the area says it's grateful to have such an easy-to-enforce law in their arsenal. One Tennessee Highway Patrolman was heard saying, "That Slayer ain't got no business being here and I can finally do something about it!!"

SUNDAY, SUNDAY SUNDAY!!!

2010-07-31T20:18:00.000-07:00

"The Dragon" is proud to host SPL Dyno tuning and dB Drag Racing!!! That's right, if you think your pipes aren't loud enough, they probably aren't!! Head on over to the "Dragon" and get those things sorted out.

It's hard to be fast on a piece-of-crap Harley, so why not be super annoying instead?! Our dyno tech will be doing dyno runs all day long and will help you get every ounce of noise available from your particular 1910s-technology engine. Then you're ready to enter the db Drag Races!

The dB Drag Races will take place on Wheelie Hill in front of the CROT. Contestants will go WOT up the hill shifting at the rev limiter in each gear. They will likely not exceed 30-35 MPH so judges will easily be able to calculate the SPL coming from each bike by the number of people with annoyed grimaces on their faces while trying to hold a conversation. Judges will also judge based on the intensity of the grimaces. The bike with the most annoying SPL wins! There's a winner just about every time a POS cruiser leaves the parking lot adorned with a do-rag-sporting tool factory.

So come on out to the dB Drag Races held everyday at Deals Gap!

1st Annual Slayer Hater trackday announced!!

2010-07-13T13:45:00.001-07:00

We here at Slayer Hater are proud to announce our 1st Annual Slayer Hater Trackday!! Slayer Hater put a lot of thought into what location would best replicate the "Dragon Slayers'" desire for extremely tight corners and jeans-shitting excitement. We considered a traditional road course like CMP or Little Talledega, but these tracks just weren't technical enough for our seasoned "Dragon Slayers" and/or first-timers alike and let's face it, we really didn't need a place where the top speed would go over 32MPH. We had to find a place with narrow lanes and tight corners and then throw in some oncoming traffic and guardrails right next to the track surface and a scary name. We found the perfect place to have this event in Sevierville, TN. That place is the "Intimidator" found at NASCAR Speed Park. With its tight corners and mountain backdrop, "Dragon Slayers" will feel right at home when they open the throttle in the tiny straights and skid the rear tire into the next turn (or guardrail)!

Open only to cruiser motorcycles weighing more than 600 pounds, the Slayer Hater Trackday promises to be an intense test of stamina and skill. All five corner-workers will be given DSLR cameras and e-commerce sites instead of flags and all control riders will ride against the flow of "Dragon Slayers" except for one who will ride the same direction and lap "slayers" like they are standing still (which they pretty much are). This particular control rider will be on a bicycle.

Entry fees will be the cost of a t-shirt and a sticker (around $50) and all proceeds will go to 3rd grade educators to prevent kids from dropping out of school and therefore reduce the numbers of future "Dragon Slayers."

Register early!! All 318 spots will fill up fast (or slow)!!

Results of NHTSA study released, ambiguous in nature

2010-07-11T19:18:00.000-07:00

Results from the NHTSA's study have been released.

As was reported recently, the NHTSA commissioned a study on just what brings middle-aged men and couples on antiquated-in-nature-and-design motorbikes to one of the most technically challenging roads in the world.

David L. Strickland took a personal interest in the subject after a trip to the area in which he was forced to follow a Milwaukee train of what he described as "wildly wobbling, lane-crossing, floorboard-scraping, brand-loyal lemmings" through the section of Deals Gap known as "The Dragon."

The study utilized a little-used technique known as "just ask them" or, to use the scientific term, a poll. Cruiser riders were asked the simple question, "Why are you here when you are terrified of a mythical creature that does not exist, you are unable to safely negotiate a four-way intersection much less a curvy mountain road, your bike has all of 3 degrees of lean angle, you are clearly not a bad ass biker because bad ass bikers can't afford a $500 riding 'outfit' consisting of HD-branded items head to toe, you're clearly borderline-retarded for paying so much for a bike you could have bought for $11 in 1920 and you can't even negotiate a parking lot without dumping your bike and your bitch or attempting to win the hillclimb contest on the bank across from the CROT?"

The poll found the overwhelming answer to be equally as simple: "I have to have a sticker and a t-shirt." To wit: they have no idea why they are there. It cannot be "fun" to drag every piece of chrome you have over the double-yellow lines at 15 mph while shitting your $200 HD endorsed jeans every time you meet an oncoming vehicle. Driving a deck screw with a hammer is possible, it's just not smart nor is it fun," Strickland said.

The study concluded that "Slayers" come to the "Dragon" simply because they have been told they have to, the same reason they pay $40 for an HD t-shirt at every Harley dealership they enter. That's the "tradition." That's the "heritage." That's the ritual. "No one since Jesus himself has done quite such a good job convincing idiots to turn over their hard-earned cash for no other reason than 'just because,'" Strickland lamented.

The NHTSA has decided to abandon any future safety improvements to US129 in lieu of purchasing screen printing equipment.

"Dragon" to reopen in Tennessee, time to get your "slay" on

2010-07-09T04:13:00.000-07:00

Officials announced yesterday that the rockslide cleanup is to be completed late this evening. TNDOT has done an excellent job cleaning up the mess and keeping pretty much everyone (those willing to know anyway) informed and in the know. Slayer Hater appreciates their hard work in some pretty crappy record temperatures getting the slide fixed three weeks ahead of schedule.

Slayer Hater has prepared a US129 Rock Slide of 2010 FAQ for this occasion:

Q: Is the road open?
A: Yes.

Q: When did they open it?
A: Irrelevant.

Q: Why was it closed?
A: Irrelevant.

Q: How long was it closed?
A: Irrelevant.

Q: Can I get through to "Marysville?"
A: Yes, please do.

Q: Can I get through to the "Bluefoot Skyline Way?"
A: WTF is that?

Q: Is the road open to "Robbinsonsville?"
A: The road is open to everywhere. Hit it.

"Dragon Slayers" are here to stay

2010-07-08T19:02:00.001-07:00

Looks like the Harley Davidson "Dragon Slayer" Edition press release published last week may have been a decoy. A spy photograph obtained exclusively by SlayerHater.com reveals the actual "Dragon Slayer" Edition Harley set for release in the fall of 2010.

Those planning to ride US129 in eastern Tennessee can expect to see the new H.D. "Dragon Slayer" Edition in pain-staking detail (mostly from behind or head-on).

Sportbikers learning how to deal with cruisers that cross the double yellow lines

2010-07-06T08:41:00.001-07:00

Harleys unable to skillfully negotiate the 318 curves of the "Dragon" isn't a new issue, but sportbikers are learning how to cope. You've heard of counter-terrorism, welcome to the age of counter-slayers.

Sportbiker Alfred Upp has developed motorcycle jousting. Capitalizing on the medieval concept that seems to be so popular with cruiser riders, Alfred decided to show them that crossing center is potentially a capital offense. Alfred says, "I see at least 120 cruisers in my lane per pass on a Saturday. I'm all fed up!"

Photo caption: Alfred Upp is all fed up with cruiser riders that cannot maintain their lane and is seen here practicing with a fellow crotch rocketeer.

CROT to host parking lot races...all day, everyday

2010-07-01T18:57:00.000-07:00

The Crossroads of Time plan to host a Parking Lot Championship race. The event will be held everyday until the end of time (or at least 'til the end of morons). Participants will run through the parking lot as fast as possible in a sad attempt to appear fast to people who are on their feet. Parking lot racers will receive the love and adoration of equally IQ-deficient idiots who think riding fast in a crowded parking lot is cool. The Parking Lot Championship is open to all those who are unable to be fast elsewhere.

Enter the Parking Lot Championship and drive with your little head!

Study launched: Why DO cruiser owners come to the Dragon anyway?

2010-06-29T05:56:00.000-07:00

The NHTSA has commissioned a study to find out just what brings Dragon Slayers to The "Dragon." In recent years, there has been a marked increase in "Slayers" on low-clearance, heavy, under-powered, antiquated motorcycles appearing on the "Dragon." These machines come from the factory with an intense lack-of-speed wobble that owners cannot seem to fix. These wobbles have been known to be so intense they cause the rider to cross the center line in all blind left hand turns and even fall down in the parking lot of the CROT without warning.

NHTSA Commissioner David L. Strickland is quoted as saying, "I don't get it. What's with these fags and their Harleys on the best road in the country? Why would you take a piece of shit Harley to Deals Gap in the first place?" Just about everyone in the country agrees with Commissioner Strickland...except for Harley owners, that is. The study will focus on the driving-a-deck-screw-with-a-hammer (wrong tool for the job) theory of cruisers on the Gap. The study comes on the heels of traffic jams and noise parades on Cat Tail Straights and wild wobbling taking place in killboy's Corner.

A sub-part of the study will also answer the question, "How come nothing happens when you turn the throttle on a Harley wide open -- well, except for more noise coming out of it?"

Harley to make new, lighter cruiser as "Dragon Slayer" model...

2010-06-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

Let's face it. The best motorcycle in the world isn't light. It's not made to be...until now. Introducing the new 2011 Harley Ultra-lite Dragon Slayer Edition. Made with modern light weight materials, this new Harley will out perform its heavy cousins on the 318 curves at the Dragon. No more being passed up like yesterday's crab salad in front of killboy's camera! Look for it at your favorite Harley dealer in the fall of '10 along with the t-shirt of your choice!

Update:

Milwaukee releases spec sheet on new for 2011 Ultra-lite Dragon Slayer Edition®

Chassis:
Grade A Pine 2x4
A-frame design
Twin-spar swing arm
Harley-Davidson Advanced low center of gravity, high-clearance design technology (Hey, we're working on it, ok?)

Fork:
Grade A Pine 2x4
Twin bed spring suspension with fully adjustable preload

Rear suspension:
No

Brakes:
Front: Front brakes are for sissies
Rear: Drum type made in Japan

Engine:
Manufacturer: Briggs and Stratton
Horsepower: 28 hp
Displacement: 810cc
Configuration: V-twin
Engine technology: OHV (even Briggs and Stratton knows push-rods are obsolete)
Bore x stroke: 3.3 x 2.89
Air filter: Advanced Debris Management System
Oil cap.: 64 oz.
Oil filter: Yes
Muffler: Optional

Final Drive:
530, 500 links Made in Japan

2010-06-24T19:28:00.000-07:00

Photo from a recent Motorcycle.com article about the recent R1/R6 meet at Deals Gap.

How to slay a Dragon...

2010-06-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

Riding a Dragon can be a terrifying prospect. Dragons are dangerous, unpredictable and they breathe fire! *shudder* Well, have no fear. With this guide, you will be ready to tame that beast and become worthy of the most expensive Dragon t-shirt available!

1. Sport bikes are Satan. The only reason anyone ever crashes their bike on Deals Gap are those heathen sport bikers. Cruisers go slow, so they are safe. Everyone knows that, even the rebels that choose to ride their Harley in the ditches.

2. Never, ever, under any circumstance let anyone around you. You are the faster rider's salvation. Keep a skilled rider behind you and save his life. He'll thank you for saving his life and making his bike run hot.

3. The painted lines on the Dragon are just there as a loose interpretation. If you need the inside of the road on a blind left-hand turn, take it. You're on a Harley! You own the road. Well...at least you paid enough for your bike to have bought a road.

4. Protective gear is for sissies. Your freedom and individualism can't shine through if you can't prominently display that expensive t-shirt that 17 riders ahead of you all have for the 5 photographers on the Dragon. Besides cruisers don't crash on the Dragon. That's only them devily sports bikes.

5. Rookies welcome! If you just got your motorcycle, the Dragon is a great place to develop basic motorcycling skills. Don't waste money on expensive training when you can trial-by-fire it on the Dragon. Hospitals need and appreciate your business.

6. Lady slayers, your motorcycle should weigh no less than 900 pounds. There are plenty of strapping men around who will rush over to you and pick your bike's hot exhaust up off your skin...but not until after it's made the nice grill marks. MMMMM....flesh.

7. Straights are a good place to race those heathens on sports bikes. Pin that big v-twin and hear the noise that does not equal horsepower.

8. The cops are there to take those criminal crotch rocketeers to jail for you. You are the reason the Dragon exists. The police know this. Do as you wish; cross double yellow, wobble the entire 22 mile round trip, have a few more beers and ride on by them. They know you're not breaking the speed limit anyway. All of the true slaying takes place at under 20 mph.

9. If you get into trouble, stand on the rear brake. A skidding rear tire provides around 80% of your stopping power because with your more-cushion-for-the-pushin' bitch on the back, the rear tire sticks harder. Lock it up!

10. When you're done slaying that Dragon, get yourself a sticker. Hell, get yourself a pile of stickers. You can't let those import tuner kids have all the sticker fun.

"Dragon" hosts head on collision on June 21st...

2010-06-21T17:58:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows the Dragon is a deadly, deadly highway. Danger lurks at every turn and there are 318 of those man-eating suckers in 11 miles!

It's no wonder then that there was a head on collision today involving a sport bike piloted by a 17 year-old honor student and a Harley Davidson driven recklessly by a middle-aged female. Both parties were taken by helicopter to area hospitals and are expected to fully recover.

Crash scene investigators said the northbound Harley Davidson motorcycle wobbled wildly at around 15 mph through Krud Corner and distracted the southbound driver of the 2009 Kawasaki Ninja superbike causing him to target fixate on her. The female motorcyclist was "slaying" her first Dragon. The sportbike road racer had slain Dragons all day long and was heard saying, "I got this."

The good news is: neither bike is salvageable oh and that both riders survived.

Rock slide clean up continues...

2010-06-21T17:39:00.000-07:00

TNDOT says they are ahead of schedule on the US129 rock slide clean up effort. Thankfully there is a way through the area between Robbinsville and Maryville alternative to Deals Gap. The Knoxville Trail is a little-known passage through the area and is passable by car. An old forest road, it has been kept worn down and in decent repair by hunters, nature lovers and locals. Not too many people like to talk about the Knoxville Trail, but in times like these where you have to turn around and go back to Bumfuct, Egypt to get around the slide, the Knoxville Trail comes in quite handy.

Be sure to ask about it.

A star is born...

2010-06-21T17:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Slayer Haters. Where the rebels yell and the speedsters cry.