Slayer Hater

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

How to slay a Dragon...

Riding a Dragon can be a terrifying prospect. Dragons are dangerous, unpredictable and they breathe fire! *shudder* Well, have no fear. With this guide, you will be ready to tame that beast and become worthy of the most expensive Dragon t-shirt available!

1. Sport bikes are Satan. The only reason anyone ever crashes their bike on Deals Gap are those heathen sport bikers. Cruisers go slow, so they are safe. Everyone knows that, even the rebels that choose to ride their Harley in the ditches.

2. Never, ever, under any circumstance let anyone around you. You are the faster rider's salvation. Keep a skilled rider behind you and save his life. He'll thank you for saving his life and making his bike run hot.

3. The painted lines on the Dragon are just there as a loose interpretation. If you need the inside of the road on a blind left-hand turn, take it. You're on a Harley! You own the road. least you paid enough for your bike to have bought a road.

4. Protective gear is for sissies. Your freedom and individualism can't shine through if you can't prominently display that expensive t-shirt that 17 riders ahead of you all have for the 5 photographers on the Dragon. Besides cruisers don't crash on the Dragon. That's only them devily sports bikes.

5. Rookies welcome! If you just got your motorcycle, the Dragon is a great place to develop basic motorcycling skills. Don't waste money on expensive training when you can trial-by-fire it on the Dragon. Hospitals need and appreciate your business.

6. Lady slayers, your motorcycle should weigh no less than 900 pounds. There are plenty of strapping men around who will rush over to you and pick your bike's hot exhaust up off your skin...but not until after it's made the nice grill marks. MMMMM....flesh.

7. Straights are a good place to race those heathens on sports bikes. Pin that big v-twin and hear the noise that does not equal horsepower.

8. The cops are there to take those criminal crotch rocketeers to jail for you. You are the reason the Dragon exists. The police know this. Do as you wish; cross double yellow, wobble the entire 22 mile round trip, have a few more beers and ride on by them. They know you're not breaking the speed limit anyway. All of the true slaying takes place at under 20 mph.

9. If you get into trouble, stand on the rear brake. A skidding rear tire provides around 80% of your stopping power because with your more-cushion-for-the-pushin' bitch on the back, the rear tire sticks harder. Lock it up!

10. When you're done slaying that Dragon, get yourself a sticker. Hell, get yourself a pile of stickers. You can't let those import tuner kids have all the sticker fun.

1 comment:

Mike said...

Locking up the rear wheel gives you awesome control!